Ten Things I Hate About Australia (In No Particular Order)

1. Beer Does Not Come in Pints.
The Pint unarguably is the proper and correct serving size. It’s impossible to feel cool ordering a schooner and having a tiny little girly glass.

2. Assigned Seats in Movie Theaters.
I can see no earthly reason for this, aside from pissing me off by slowing down the lines.

3. Book Prices are Ridiculously Jacked-up.
Prices in general seem high even for a San Franciscan, but books seem disproportionately pricey. The latest fluctuations of the dollar and Australian dollar have helped somewhat, but this poor reader is still out of luck. First stop when I get stateside: Powell’s.

4. High Hippie Density.
Maybe its something to do with the prevalence of surfers and backpackers who populate Bondi, but it seems like there are quite a few unnecessarily dreadlocked individuals. I can barely walk down the street some days without wanting to retch a little from the patchouli stink.

5. Coffee is more complex than it needs to be.

6. High Douchebag Density.
This is actually a much bigger problem than the hippies. I see alot of bling and hat-tilts in the male population. Others have written more extensively on the geopolitical ramifications of this topic, to which I have to add only: Amen, brother.

7. High Deadly Animal Density.
Sydney is an urban area, and encroachments from angry mother nature are rae. But I can never forget about all the thousands of animals and plants out there who are plotting my death.

8. They Only Speak English in the Loosest Sense of the Word.
Australia’s unique linguistic heritage has created a hodge-podge of unlikely names and words that just sound weird to my American ears. Coupled with a racial incliniation to shorten/infantilize every word they come across, it can become inscrutable. For example: breakfast is often “shortened” to breakie. But you’ll notice that they both have the same number of syllables (2) and are therefore the same length. Same for “football/footy” An Australian friend introduced himself as “John, but you can call me John-Oh for short.” He lengthened his name for short.

9. Disappointing Scarcity of Kangaroos.
Despite having signs like this:
dsc02483There weren’t that many kangaroos hopping around. I expected the people to ride them to work in the morning and store their valuables in the safety of their pouches. Imagine my dismay when I learned that not only was this not true, they don’t box or rap either. And upon my return to the United States and the inevitable debriefing of my family and friends I find that they tend to be more disappointed with the things I didn’t see (Kangaroos and the Outback) than the awesome things I did see.

10. It’s Too Big and Too Beautiful.
And I had to leave it.

 

51 Comments on "Ten Things I Hate About Australia (In No Particular Order)"

  • And we dont like you because your a fucking yank … we didnt ask you to come here go back to your fucking country. You’ve done enough damage to this world how about you blow yourself up or go to the nearest twin towers aaaaaaaaawwwww ooooops you dont have that anymore do you??? hahahhaha serves you fucking right ya fuckhead.

  • Wow.
    Reason #11: Australian internet commenters aren’t great at picking up on subtlety, reading lists all the way through to the end, and just generally getting the point.

  • i just dont get them and their weid scense of humer;why doz sharen got 2 be shaza,barry iz bazza? they sound as if their,ve got somthing ram,d up their ars,lol, just so nasely irrertates the hell out of me. also iz two dam hot cant wait too leave.

  • Thank you for recognising that our country is beautiful. I like to think so too, although some of us often forget! Kangaroos and Wallabies usually come out at night, so the yellow sign is more for night drivers, especially in the country areas you would see thousands at night! Too bad nobody told you. As for the shortening or lengthening of words, well I can’t say that it makes sense but I’m sure you can gather (despite the last post) that Australians are friendly and nicknaming or ending words in -y/ie/ is a way to become more chummy with your fellow Aussie. 😀

  • Gee Carlos, you’re a great ambassador for your own country, we may change a lot of our words in day to day usage, but at least, when it comes to something a little more important, we can pull out the English that we learned and use correct spelling, punctuation and grammar. Cheers for embarrassing yourself, though. It made me smile.

  • i live in Australia and the one thing i hate is how hot it is!!
    but when i go to the movies we sit wherever so i dont know which cinema u went to!
    and the slang i dont like either!! i personally talk normal and sometimes dont understand some of the slang!
    other than that australia is great!!!

  • Kade – insults poorly, and is a sad case.

    carlos – has no ability in terms of English / coherency. Try again.

    Article – earlier points may reflect some degree of annoyance experienced whilst in Australia. However, ends in positive note.

  • Thank you, I completely agree. Although another thing that really fustrated me is the amount of large stomached, board short wearing, bald headed, flip flopped men drinking beer while sitting on fold out chairs having a barbecue. Maybe it’s just me.

  • Wow. The first comment is oh so common as an american living in australia. You hear it alllll the time. The moment you say the slightest negative comment about Australia to an Australian and they go berseck. ( and you really weren’t negative!!). Perhaps it is just the multiculterism of America, that you have always listened and acknowledged what is bad about America. We all know it and accept that we have our problems. As I live in AUS now, I am just gobsmacked ( never said that word till I lived here )how the average Australian cannot even FATHOM that they have issues here…( for example the utter lack of justice in Queensland ( where I live ) that lets pediophiles off with a one hundred dollar fine…shocking but the list goes on when it comes to judges here ). Anyway, I digress. The fact of the matter is that the Tall Poppy Syndrome really does exist here as well as the cultural cringe and sorry to tell you this, but your best and smartest Aussies usually end up living overseas. ( oh and then when they do, all of a sudden you hate them. ) Get over yourselves. And PS: regarding how multicultural you think you are in Australia….it is so homogenous here, it is striking. 92 % of people are white and Christian. Wait till Oprah gets here and sees they have no tolerance for black people. Let’s hope her people keep her away from the vast numbers of racists here. For God’s sake, you actually sell and Aunt Jamima blackface doll here in stores! Hope Oprah sees that so she can tell the world how racist the country actually is…and of course there is Uncle Toby’s cereals for her to see as well.

  • Okay first of all we don’t have pints for a reason. Because by the time you finish your beer, it tastes like warm camels piss. One little girly glass is not enough for yah? Then simply order another glass, problem solved.

    And about the kangaroos, there are a whole heap of them in the country roads only at dusk til dawn. Try driving at those times in the country areas and you will see them. In fact, open your eyes they are everywhere!

    High animal density, get some balls and toughen the fuck up! If you’re too scared get your boyfriend to squish them for yah.

    High douchbag density, mate, look around. You live in america…

    Oh yeh and sucks to be you, you had to go home. We live here!

  • And what do you mean Helena? I don’t know what part of AUS you are in but Australia is a multicultral country. How dare you think we are racist. The KKK was started in America and thanks to them we now have a bunch of moronic homophobic neo natsies prancing around in pointy white pajamas in Australia. Let’s not get into the black slave trade that was around until only 70 years ago, and what about those native american indians that all you white fellas aradicated cause they were in your way. And for such a multicultral country took an awful long time to get a black president. So don’t you comment on how racist you think we are. Not saying Australia is perfect but America, need I say more!

  • Reason 12 – Aussies don’t understand how annoying they are. And that’s REALLY annoying. Don’t get me started on the accent. Makes me want to punch myself in the face a little bit

  • u reckon we have annoying accents, what about you “a bro!” “wat up cuz” and my personal favourite “got any grass bro” and lets not forget “oh no! im beached as bro” kiwi accents are just as annoying as aussie get over yourself. and one reason i dont like kiwis they come over smoke all your weed sink all your piss eat all your food and then they say “see yah next time bro!” now that’s annoying!

  • @Hayley: I personally love the accents, though I several people who find both AUS and NZ twangs annoying. As to the pint issue, if your beer ends up like “like warm camels piss” at the end, maybe you should drink faster instead of serving it in itty bitty baby glasses 🙂

    I think we can all agree that there are many fine racists in every country on the planet. I’m not sure I see the utility in arguing over which country has more…

  • Just didn’t appreciate the implication of australians being the bigger racist. And besides that, I just like a good shit fight. Cheers all catch yah later! 🙂

  • The problem is YOU ARE a bunch of racist convicts. The US has its share, like most countries, but at least most people in the US and every other developed nation are willing to face up to racists and drive them back under their rocks. They are not proud of such gutter trash like they are here (Remember what’s here name hansen…). Here in aus if I were to stand on any street corner and yell at the top of my lungs kill all the bungs… I would find no one would stand up against me but instead I would most likely get cheers of agreement. If I were to attempt such a stunt on a street corner in the US at the very least I would be arrested and could expect to be slapped around a bit before the law arrived.

    And aussies like to say they’re laid back – what a joke. I truly haven’t been anywhere else were I have read about so many people being punched or stabbed to death as here. I’ve travelled from one end of the US to the other in all directions and I can say I have witnessed and read about far more violence here than I did there. Thank heavens guns were banned here or I fear the murder rate would rival Russia’s.

    A nation that has benefited from the developed worlds technology but is trapped in it’s third world mentality and thinking is how I sum up this convict outpost called australia.

  • I dont even smoke weed. And of course I’m not actually Maori believe it or not. Oh and I’d never go to Aus on purpose so no danger there. Guess that’s the proof we needed for the IQ…. ehum. YOU, dear, are easily offended by people you don’t like or respect whereas I couldn’t care even a iota about what your opinion is 😉 chill out ‘BRO’

  • For me, Australia is the BEST please on the planet, no i haven’t experience any discrimanation, it’s a very organize country, very clean, people are honest and kind…When i was on the cruise ship, I’ve met a group of american people, one of them is a teacher, I asked her if she lives near South Carolina, the funny thing was she didn’t know where is South Carolina is located, infact she didn’t know much about her own country! hehe

  • Australia is a bad bad bad country and I live here and everyone out there are aliens and want to kill me. I have to wear tinfoil around my head so they can’t read and write my thoughts! They tried to take my guns away but I hid them in my poopie hole and I can still commit acts of mass murder. Ha ha Australian govermnet!

  • Wow, so much hate. So sad.

  • Oh and BTW I hate the Aussie accent too but what are we supposed to do? Change it. It’s very sad and backward when people are judged by the sound of their voice.

  • I’m an Aussie and I’ve got to say at least half of the above was true. 1)Even Aussies would feel ripped off about that one. 2)Been going to movies each week for the past 30 years and haven’t come across that one.3)True 4)In some areas 5)definitely 6)Agreed, there’s too much of young people in Australia trying to copy the Yanks, rather than finding their own identity 7)lol fair enough 8)No Yank is any authority on English, and it seems that Johno was mucking around with you. 9)Isn’t that true. 10)I can well understand that. For the Aussies reading this post, the Yank in question is only giving us a bit of friendly rivalry. Please take it in the spirit it’s given in.

  • Thanks, mate. Been gone a long time now and would love to return.

  • i looooove australia i lived in england for two years and all i could see were your fugly dental plans and when i lived in america your all so boring i am australian and i love it here by the way moron kangaroos arent everywhere they live in the bush

  • Australia has great animals and great views but HEAPS of people are unbelievably awful at singing ALWAYS off tune, at least 1 in 3! Aussies are racist even if they’re your friends esspecially to asians. Even though I’m Aussie I know that not all asians are cheap mostly the chinese. But they’re pretty smart and many of the asians are sensible but fun unlike many Aussie dudes just bashes things up like idiots. Australia is a boring place so I always look forward to travelling. Australia is a nice country with many nice people but just lots of them are very stupid, I used to love Australia but when I looked at other countries I got to be honost… its stupid…..

  • Australians are filled with people who just wants it their way and only listens to themselves and don’t accept others opinions- selfish. But the place has nice sky and I hav nice aussie friends too but they’re a bit selfish too… but MEH, thats too bad…. they’re nice ones too!

  • I grew up in Australia and have lived here for all my life… i have been travelling for 10years and i have found no other place that compares to Australia is beauty other than New Zealand. The people here are actually smarter here than America if you look at national surveys.. it seems that the new generation of people are much smarter than the first and Australia is slowly starting to become one of the smartest nations…. Saying that i have never heard as much racism anywhere in the world that in America, just by the way you americans treat black people are shocking. I personally hate you amerians accents with all your R’s in every word and bogan accent…. and mate there is a reason why our beers are smaller its so we dont all become alcholics like the rest of the western world is!

  • and just adding that… what is wrong with us being slighty patriotic towards our country it goes back to the world wars where Britan and America used the Australians to do everything and kill almost 25% of Australias Population at the time when you yanks only lost 4% of your total population (britain 8%)… (got stats from university text book)….. Every person in the world is patriotic and its a bit hard not to be slighty racist when on average 54,000 people illegally travel australia by boat per year from asia…

  • I live in australia, and i absolutely hate it. All the people here are just violent, drunk, and swearing. The country is backwards in every aspect, food, shopping, everything, and it is the worst place ever compared to america.

  • I 100% agree with melanie. Australia is the worst country to live in. Fuck Australia! The girls there are so conservative and are so fat. There arent any hot girls in Australia just fat and ugly ones and they are lame as fuck! Their legs are freakin like elephants and they think they look hot which is the worst part. Dont get me started on accents, they think they are cool because they speak english fast and with their shit accent, but they’re all retards. And everybody comes from greek and all those places and start becoming retards. Their teeth are disgusting and everything about them is disgusting. Prices of anything is expensive and its just a horrible place to live.
    America is one of the bests in the world. Everything is there in America. Australians try to copy America in everything no JOKE!.
    Australia is just a joke! Those who want to go for higher education or anything of that sort, I strongly suggest going to Canada, UK or USA, coz their curriculum is just a piece of shit. Not to mention you “have” to take extra tutoring just so that u can keep upto date with it. And all the chinese bastards come to Australia and start making money and dont even know how to fucking speak english.
    Not that i envy them or anything but they’re millions of them! American girls are sexy, easy to get, better lifestyle, THERE IS HOLLYWOOD! DISNEY LAND! Lots to see and do there.
    Australia is a place where you just become a retard

  • comment deleted because of slurs

  • JammaaNo

    Your f’ing stupid and clearly Australia doesn’t have proper text books. Aus fought along side allies and paid fair dues like everyone else. Don’t be pissed off cause your countries population is crap. That’s where those numbers come from.

  • DJ Flame – Go fuck youself.

    You are probably a fat fucktard American… Big baby…

  • OMG Are u serious!!!???? Who the hell are you, well obviously an ignorant american who stereotypes Australia ( #1 F**k yea) and thinks Sydney is the capital and that we walk around saying G’day mate to everybody well Canberra is the capital look it up and we say hello like normal people

  • dj flame

    FUCK YOU RETARD

  • FUCK AUSTRALIA. FUCK AUSTRALIANS. THIS GOD FORSAKEN COUNTRY I WAS FORCED TO LIVE IN SHOULD BURN IN FLAMES. MOST IGNORANT, UNHYGIENIC, ANNOYING, LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, RACIST BIGOTS I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I WOULD RATHER BE A FUCKING AMERICAN OVER A GOD DAMN AUSTRALIAN ANY DAY.
    Fuck this country.

    AND YOUR FOOD FUCKING SUCKS. FUCK YOU AGAIN

  • I figured that it would have been all the bigotry, but different strokes I guess…

  • Multiculturism, why do some countries feel they have to force multiculturism upon their people in a massive way? theres always been crossing over of peoples and cultures, and all of us naturally treat each person on their own merits when face to face, not on race.. but the basic question needs to be asked should different races and peoples around the world be allowed to keep their own identity and cultures? or should they be forced to intergrate with every other culture? seems an easy question to answer. there are people who have struggled for thousands of years to retain their culture and identitys, are they racist? one of the things that i love about the world is that you can travel it and see different cultures, different looking peoples and different ways of life, i love it and should’nt everyone marvel at the rich variety of cultures and peoples that humans have produced and how much more exciting that makes the world.. surely if every country in the world adopted the muticulture policys of western countries then the world would eventually become one people one culture. Thus multiculturalism taken too far is self destructive, multiculturalism destroys multiculturalism. personally i don’t want to travel the world and see the same people and same culture every where i go in this world. why do the leaderships of western countries feel they have to make their own countries ethnic mini copys of the globe? do they not relise we already live in a multicultural world, and theres nothing bad about that. multiculturalism is a good thing for every country when done responsibly and not at the expense of your own people and identity, it can open peoples eyes and teach tolerence. people are people. but do gooders that can’t see the forest because the trees are in the way seem to rule, do gooders whom are motivated by personal ambition, whom are motivated by a need to be seen as living saints at every one elses expense. we should be helping the peoples of the world to achieve the freedoms that western counties have achieved, but you should’nt have to give away your own peoples to achieve that. in this country we are told that immigrants need to intergrate and in the same breath that immigrants have a right to practice their own culture and (in our country) and that we should respect that.. doe’s anyone else see the complete contradiction in saying these things. no wonder people are confused. this is what shits me about australia and also the reverse racism, theres no doubt there will be some small minds that say what i’ve wrote is racist “without even knowing what race I am” the word racist has merely become a tool to shut anglo people up while we walk all over them..

  • To Point 2: Can’t say I have ever experienced this one. Maybe you are just going to the wrong cinema.

    To Point 1: Must be a Sydney thing. Come to Brizzy and half the pubs serve Pints. The ones pretending to be Irish won’t ya serve anything else.

    To Point 6: Australia also grows the biggest and best mullets!!!! Henry Rollins agrees. ha ha

    To Point 9: Not true. I got a couple of wallabies in the backyard. Next door is just a goose though 😉

  • Have to agree that Australians are (well most of them) very ignorant towards other races especially English and American.

    It has to be something to do with insecurity, I also feel they are also very short sighted with history, they genuinly believe that they are better at everything ??

    I blame the school system in Australia, very one sided and jingoistic to the extreme.

  • 11. the girls are ugly and fat or really hot and totaly up them selfs and really shitty all the time just bad atittude in general.

    12 . a lot of bogans ,drugos and alcholics.

    13. people there just think work and consume work and consume…..

    14 . the people have no idea about clubbing and night life. music in clubs is horrid and the fashion is 3 years behind the rest of the world

  • Helena opines: “for example the utter lack of justice in Queensland ( where I live ) that lets pediophiles off with a one hundred dollar fine…shocking but the list goes on when it comes to judges here.”

    Helena, we are not always soft on crime. Do you realize that Australia has the highest penalties in the world for violent, brutal crimes like:
    1) Failing to buckle up their seatbelts – minimum penalty of hundreds of dollars in different states, maxing out at a minimum of %500 in WA:
    2) Failing to buckle up their seatbelts on a mining site – minimum penalty for a first offence of $5,000 (you read that correctly, as in five thousand dollars);

    So quit ya bitchin’. Pedophiles only target kids, and they leave us adults alone. Pedophiles only target those kids most likely to become pedophiles themselves. But seatbelt violaters target everyone. Every time I drive on the road, my life is placed in jeopardy by an irresponsible seatbelt hoon. We go out of our way to catch and punish the real criminals, like the flagrant violaters of seatbelt laws.

  • … and for all those people who are on about australians being racist… no we are not racist. We are differentist. We hate anyone who’s different. Irrespective of their race. If they speak with a funny accent, if they look like they’re “up themselves”, if they’re too tall or too short, too friendly or too clever, no matter in what way they’re different, we’ll get ’em. We’ll wear ’em down. We’ll pummel ’em with the tall poppy syndrome so completely, they’ll be outta here quicker than they can say, “gidday mite” [sepo] or “good day mate” [pom] or “gordonya mayt” [generic swarthy type with funny accent].

  • im from aus and i HATE THE ACCENTS!! even in cabble they ad vo’s with them! it sucks! , i love usa! , strange thatb nz had less accents than i thought! , everytime i hear the droning my spine litraly coils. i hate the douchy guys ! the coffeys to milky, i dont like wrist watches , oh and THE BLACK PEOPLE HERE ACT LIKE NEGITAVE STERIOTYPES OF 20’S BLACK PEOPLE. THAT UBER SUCKS.

  • HAHAHAHAHAH LOL HLMAO @ ‘seatbelt hoon’

    Dude just shut up. I’m Australian, born here n all and you just made Australia sound like its full of stupid people such as yourself. You sound like one of those people who is so brainwashed by the government that you think you;re immediately in danger because that guy owns a legal handgun. You honestly sound like an absolute retard. How is your life in any more danger than it already was(if any at all) just because someone else isn’t wearing their seat belt. Go eat a dick and think about what you say next time because you just made every Australian sound stupid. Fucking retard

  • A lot of Australians don’t want to evolve – we have a large percentage of ignorant morons. Please forgive us. On the upside we have nice beaches and great marijuana.

  • “How is your life in any more danger than it already was(if any at all) just because someone else isn’t wearing their seat belt.”

    I thought Aussies had a sense of humour. So much for grasping the subtleties of mine. And your complete misinterpretation of my point makes Aussies sound even more ridiculous than you thought I made them sound. You outdid your misinterpretation of me!!! lol

  • For me, Australia is the best place to live. The people there are just the kindest ever ! And the nature is just amazing. Racists are everywhere, not only in Australia, we must not see Australia as “1 person”, because there are lots of people there, and some people are kind and nice but some may be mean or rude, but it’s like this everywhere, no matter where you are, in Australia, America, Europe, Africa or India. But most people of Australia are awesome, open minded and veeeryy kind. And the Australian accent is super cute ^^.
    PS : Everyone has his opinion about Australia, but it’s better to stay kind and polite rather than being rude 😉

  • australlia sucks, apparently tourists can’t even go there without getting raped or murdered.

    over 300,000 go missing in that “great land of yours” nothing to be proud of.

    I’m never going there, probably cause I’m smart and don’t need some outback
    hillbilly hacking me up in your boring outback.

    and why does everyone in Australia look like kangaroos?

    you all look weird, it’s pathetic.

    fuck that country, only great thing about is is the wildlife.

    and the accents, ugh.

    STOP CALLING EVERYONE MATE, WE’RE NOT YOUR MATE, FAG!

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