Ten Things I Hate About Australia (In No Particular Order)

1. Beer Does Not Come in Pints.
The Pint unarguably is the proper and correct serving size. It’s impossible to feel cool ordering a schooner and having a tiny little girly glass.

2. Assigned Seats in Movie Theaters.
I can see no earthly reason for this, aside from pissing me off by slowing down the lines.

3. Book Prices are Ridiculously Jacked-up.
Prices in general seem high even for a San Franciscan, but books seem disproportionately pricey. The latest fluctuations of the dollar and Australian dollar have helped somewhat, but this poor reader is still out of luck. First stop when I get stateside: Powell’s.

4. High Hippie Density.
Maybe its something to do with the prevalence of surfers and backpackers who populate Bondi, but it seems like there are quite a few unnecessarily dreadlocked individuals. I can barely walk down the street some days without wanting to retch a little from the patchouli stink.

5. Coffee is more complex than it needs to be.

6. High Douchebag Density.
This is actually a much bigger problem than the hippies. I see alot of bling and hat-tilts in the male population. Others have written more extensively on the geopolitical ramifications of this topic, to which I have to add only: Amen, brother.

7. High Deadly Animal Density.
Sydney is an urban area, and encroachments from angry mother nature are rae. But I can never forget about all the thousands of animals and plants out there who are plotting my death.

8. They Only Speak English in the Loosest Sense of the Word.
Australia’s unique linguistic heritage has created a hodge-podge of unlikely names and words that just sound weird to my American ears. Coupled with a racial incliniation to shorten/infantilize every word they come across, it can become inscrutable. For example: breakfast is often “shortened” to breakie. But you’ll notice that they both have the same number of syllables (2) and are therefore the same length. Same for “football/footy” An Australian friend introduced himself as “John, but you can call me John-Oh for short.” He lengthened his name for short.

9. Disappointing Scarcity of Kangaroos.
Despite having signs like this:
dsc02483There weren’t that many kangaroos hopping around. I expected the people to ride them to work in the morning and store their valuables in the safety of their pouches. Imagine my dismay when I learned that not only was this not true, they don’t box or rap either. And upon my return to the United States and the inevitable debriefing of my family and friends I find that they tend to be more disappointed with the things I didn’t see (Kangaroos and the Outback) than the awesome things I did see.

10. It’s Too Big and Too Beautiful.
And I had to leave it.

 

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