In most areas of my life, I’m care-free and easy-going. I take being laid back to an almost Zen level, accepting what happens from one moment to the next with little more than a stoic shrug of the shoulders. In most areas. But not when it comes to entertainment. I have a strict set of rules about which movies and TV shows I actually plop my ass in the seat to watch. Like any true visionary, I’ve been persecuted for my beliefs. The scoffers have called me an elitist and worse. They say my guidelines are too stringent. Some have called my rules arbitrary and a few of the unconverted have even suggested that my adherence to them signals the early stages of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They predict that in a few years I will be unable to even watch television because I will have so many rules that it would be impossible to watch without breaking some of them.

But I believe in the free market. In the truest democracy the only vote the counts is the one you make with your dollar. I refuse to allow Hollywood to profit from films that are creatively bankrupt. By only paying to see certain films and refusing to see others, I send the message that I do not approve of precocious children and that if the Hollywood studios want my hard-earned moolah they had better not cast any. I realize that alone my dollar doesn’t count for much. But I derive at least some satisfaction from the knowledge that I’m making my voice heard.

Now I know what you’re thinking. If my rules exclude the bad movies, wouldn’t I just not go see them anyway? The problem comes when a movie violates one of my rules, but still looks like it might be good. Or maybe it violates several, but gets good reviews and friends recommend it. This is where the discipline comes in. Anyone can skip Flushed Away (CGI film about talking animals) but it takes a man of principle to skip Finding Nemo (well-reviewed, universally-beloved CGI film about talking animals).

Join me, won’t you? My rules are specific to my tastes and aesthetic preferences. I’m not advocating that everyone should follow my rules, although it would be a finer world if they did. But if everyone sat down and put some thought into what they truly liked and what makes a film good, and only rewarded the studios who made such films, then maybe we would be spared the endless parade of pap that passes for entertainment these days.

So what are my rules, exactly? I’ll give an in-depth listing later, so get your notetaking tools ready…