Surveying the Field: Extinction Zombies, Dwarven Dorks, Famous Cowboys and Dane Cook still Can’t Get it Right

Good Luck Chuck Dane Cook Jessica Alba

I want Dane Cook to make a funny movie. I really do. I’m not gonna hate on a brother just because he’s overhyped. I find his stand-up to make me laugh, sometimes heartily. He seems like a nice guy, and he’s capable of being funny. But his Tourgasm on HBO was a snoozer, and the movie where he played the stock boy was so bland and stale that not only has the name escaped me, but I can’t even be bothered to switch over to my IMDB tab and look it up. But you know the one I mean, with Jessica Simpson acting up a storm? But I don’t see Good Luck Chuck as the one that puts his personality to good use, even casting him as a lucky charm for women who all meet their future husbands after having sex with him and watching the hijinks ensue. It looks formulaic at best and utter drivel at worst, and either way a waste of my time.

amanda bynes

Oh, Amanda Bynes. I don’t think your breezy charms will be able to save you from this one. And why do you gravitate toward remakes/re-workings so much? First, we had She’s the Man, in all its neo-Shakesperean glory transporting the silliness of Twelfth Night into the world of prep-school soccer. And now we have Sydney White, which appears to be an interpretation of Snow White set at a university and portraying the seven dwarves as the current pledges of Lambda Lambda Lambda. Why? How will this movie be better than either of its two sources? Answer: It won’t. Or it might, but I’ll never know.

resident evil: extinction milla jovovich

Resident Evil has done me wrong. I love the games and Resident Evil 4 was mind-bogglingly bad-ass and I always thought the storyline would make a good transfer to the big screen, what with all the zombies and the corporate intrigue, and the cool cops. Despite the tendency of movies based on video games to be cinematic turds of epic proportions (Super Mario Brothers, anyone? I thought not), the first Resident Evil movie was kinda good. Not great, but passable on almost every criterion. That put it into a pretty slim category of good video game films. A category which consisted entirely of the first Resident Evil movie and the first Mortal Kombat. Then Resident Evil: Apocalypse came out and took a crap in living room. That’s really the only way to describe it. That movie was so bad that it felt like there was a giant piece of shit in my living room, which was a shame because that rug really tied the room together. And now we have Resident Evil: Extinction to put a cap on the whole sorry affair. I have no expectations for the final chapter, as a an upswing in quality for the third outing is pretty much unheard of. There’s always hope, but based on the previews I have the exact opposite of a desire to see the thing.

eastern promises mortensen watts

Eastern Promises is awesome. Go see it.

into the wild

I have no interest in watching Grizzly Man without the grizzlies. Doomed nature nuts can’t sustain me alone. Pass on Into the Wild.

brad pitt the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford

As for me, I will be catching the annoyingly long-titled The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Its a Western biopic in which Brad Pitt portrays the famous outlaw in his final days. Brad Pitt generally (not always, but more often than not) chooses his roles carefully. After Fight Club, Se7en, and Twelve Monkeys he’s one of the few actors that can draw me to see a movie by virtue of his appearance in it. It looks suitably moody and muted, and I like a good cowboy movie as much as the next guy so I think I’ll be checking this one out.

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