Fifteen Things You Will Probably Never Hear Me Say

1.”Is this the laciest doily you have?”

2. “No, I couldn’t possibly have another beer.”

3. “…and then the Holy Spirit came upon me and I started speaking in tongues. It was bitchin’.”

4. “Oh, I’d love to hear all about your kids and how cute their poop is.”

5. “Honey, could we please watch the sporting event? You know how I like to be up on all my favorite players statistics and cheer on the team from my home town, which is vastly superior to all other home towns.”

6. “I don’t really feel like going to the movies. I think I’ll sit here and play Sudoku instead.”

7. “I wonder if the collar of my pink shirt is popped high enough.”

8. “Hey, Baby.”

9. “Why no, I don’t know anything about the origins of that comic book character. I bet you would be completely bored if I laid out the publishing history and narrative continuity of the superhero, so I won’t go into it.”

10. “Do you have any more of those delightfully fruity little cocktails? And could I get a bigger umbrella for my glass?”

11. “Few recording artists will ever attain the mastery of songwriting and technical composition of Nickelback. Plus Chad Kreoger’s voice is really pleasing. I can’t wait until the next album.”

12. “I’m really getting tired of all these lesbians making out all the time.”

13. “I wonder if any DIY/ home improvement shows are on HGTV. I really enjoy watching interior designers work their magic.”

14. “I can’t wait to go see this movie. It’s a prequel to a remake with a young child in a prominent role. It looks like cinematic gold.”

15. “I’m sick and tired of going to school. I’d better buckle down and focus on a serious career because I have a clear and unwavering idea of what I want to do with my life.”

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