Category Archives: humor

My Mutant Powers

I’ve always wanted to be special. From a young age I felt like I may have special powers that set me apart from feeble, fragile humanity. I can remember sitting and staring and squinting and groaning as I would try to move a kickball using the no doubt awesome power of my mind. It was after I had seen “The Empire Strikes Back” and I couldn’t see any valid reason why I couldn’t levitate my father’s conversion van the way Luke levitated his X-wing. Sadly no amount of brow-furrowing or focus enabled me do it because it seems I am not telekinetic.

But does that mean I don’t have any powers at all? Not necessarily. For every unstoppable killing machine with an immortal healing factor or time-bending Japanese office worker, there have to be several individuals born with less obvious powers. I think I may have one ore more of these abilities, which may not be as flashy as the kind you see in comic books, but make life much more convenient.

For example, I seem to have a prescient sense of timing for television shows. I have an innate sense of when commercials will air and when the show resumes. It goes beyond just good guessing, or a general sense of how long commercials take into the realm of preternatural ability. I can stop and start my DVR on a dime, down to the millisecond when a commercial ends and the show fades up from the break. I can also flip back and forth between channels, effortlessly returning to my primary channel just as the program is restarting. It’s not really something I asked for, like all those gifted with great powers I find it can often be more of a curse than a blessing. Sometimes I miss really clever commercials.

It had to happen…

Florida State University To Phase Out Academic Operations By 2010

It was only a matter of time. The wise old adage that has graced many a t-shirt has been proven true. Without pesky academics to get in the way, Tallahassee is officially a “Drinking Town with a Football Problem.” At last the Mighty Seminoles can focus on the truly important things in life, like preparing for the illustrious Emerald Bowl, here in San Francisco. It is perhaps the most prestigious of all the bowls to be named after a brand of nuts.

The only thing I find shocking about this article is that the byline is Sarasota, Fl. How could the Onion, one of the most reputable news outlets in the world, have made such a careless error? Everyone knows that Florida State University stands like a beacon of ivory tower intellectualism in the thriving metropolis of Tallahassee, the fast paced capital city. Sarasota, indeed.