Category Archives: humor

Guilty as Charged: I am White and Love to Study Abroad

The eerily prescient blog Stuff White People Like, is like most really funny things, absolutely true. Whether it’s standing still at concerts (#67), public radio (#44), or microbreweries (#23), this newly discovered (by me anyway) site is a treasure trove of things that make me laugh by cutting just a little too close to the bone.

Their latest offering is especially evocative. It feels like the author wrote this article after reading through my travel journal circa 2003 and having a drink with me after I had just gotten home:

Thing White People Like #72: Study Abroad

I’ve done it (multiple times, for a very long time in South Africa) and am planning to do it again very soon, and I have found myself thinking or saying everything in this article at least once since then.

“By attending school in another country, white people are technically
living in another country. This is important as it gives them the
opportunity to insert that fact into any sentence they please.
“When I used to live in [insert country], I would always ride the
train to school. The people I’d see were inspiring.””

The Lamest Things I Said Last Week: Shakespeare on Tex-Mex

When discussing the interchangeability of one South-Western style burrito restaurant for another establishment of like ambiance, price, and menu, for some reason I thought it would be funny for me to say this:

“A Moe’s by any other name would smell as beefy.”

It got about the response you would think. That is to say it made people groan, sigh, and roll their eyes. And shake their heads.

The Lamest thing I Said Last Week: Hunger makes a man Cheesy

“Man. I am hungry. I’m matriculating at St. Arvin university.” – uttered after sitting through a 3.5 hour torts final.

Now, making a pun on the way the abbreviation of a nonexistent college to convey one’s hunger is incredibly lame. But I can’t take all the blame for this one, as I got it from a series of macaroni and cheese commercials from a few years back. I think, though, that the fact that I filed this little bon mot away for future reference and actually used it in every day conversation is my own personal brand of pathetic-ness.

I do this all the time…

post office fight scene

No I mean all the time. If I spent the same amount of mental energy I have used in a lifetime of imagining improbable rumble royales on thinking of important things, I probably would have cured cancer, solved all the problems in the middle east, and invented a flying car by now. So I guess you can blame all that on me.

via the frequently hilarious XKCD

The Stupidest Terrorists in the World

With the success of the Transformers movie, it seems quite likely that other 80s toy properties will find their way to the big screen. G.I. Joe seems like ti could be at the top of the list. Despite the fact that no one ever died, even in jet airplane explosions, this was my favorite cartoon when I was a kid. Something else that always kind of bothered me was the way that Cobra would try an insane plan that made zero sense to rational human beings, like tying chainsaws to cats or something. Then their retarded plan would almost work, except for one little problem that enabled the Joes to triumph by using mice to distract the cats. Then, in the next episode Cobra would come up with a completely new bat-shit crazy plan instead of refining their attempt by using dogs or something. I realize that it would not have made for great Saturday morning television, but from a resource allocation perspective, it would have made way more sense for Cobra.

gijoe2.jpg

I realize you might be thinking that I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff. You’re probably right, but I don’t spend anywhere near as much time as Zack Parsons over at Something Awful. Thank god for that. He looks at what went wrong with Cobra operations at the strategic, tactical, and logistical level in his Cobra After-Action Report. If only Destro would have cc’ed Cobra Commander on one of these things we might be living in a very different cartoon society.

Life in the Trenches

As a physically large man with an even temper and a propensity to be around bars, I found myself well-suited to the role of bouncer. I was a natural, and enjoyed the work until the constant stream of idiots and reprobates that made up the patronage of my bar wore down my will to live. It was in a relatively small town and the only place that had anything remotely festive happening during the week. Our Ladies night happened every Tuesday, and it brought jackasses aplenty without fail. They would all behave in the same annoying way and pull the same lame-ass stunts and tricks. The same angry roid-monkeys would start fights and the same jailbait high-school seniors would try to get in with the same fake IDs every week set to the same “My Humps”-heavy soundtrack. The sheer repetition was enough to make me start to hate them all, so I had to get out of the game.

Clublife gives you the bouncer’s pov, sharing all the frustrations and trenchant commentary that can only open on the inside of the velvet rope. Check it out. This is how it is.

Lo But For The Grace of God

What is a douchebag? I posted a link the other day to a collection of beautiful women with them, but what do we know about Homo Douchian? We all know when we see one, but there are so many variations on the art of douchebaggery that it can be difficult to map out the characteristics of a toolbox with any kind of scientific precision. HCwDB makes a valiant attempt:

“A douchebag is not defined as simply a series of hand gestures, facial expressions, overly gelled hair or a giant Jesus bling around the neck. A douchebag is a state of mind. It is a place where men go to become scrote. Where machismo mixes with testosterone to form a foul cocktail of rank sewage that smells vaguely of cheap cologne.”

via American Scene

Intriguing, and a good start but I feel like there is more to say. Wikipedia helpfully provides this bit of information:

“Terms such as shower pocket, douchebag, d-bag, DB, doucherama, doucher, douche turd, douchington, or simply douche are considered pejorative terms in Australia, the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada and New Zealand. Initially, it was used to insult a woman, originating as an insult derived from lesbian activities.”

A truly tantalizing bit of etymology, but it doesn’t help us get any closer to the core characteristics that make up a douchabg. You can find a useful set of criteria here. The list is good, but I don’t think it’s comprehensive enough and it is too focused on merely one douchebag. Some key elements:

  • Pink Shirt (especially with Popped Collar)
  • Wristband, now likely to be a Livestrong
  • Cocktail instead of beer

But I would also include things like:

  • Gelled Hair
  • Frosted Hair
  • Bling, especially of the bejeweled cross variety but also including pinky rings
  • Rampant lack of sleeves, or
  • Inappropriate Shirt-lessness
  • The word “Bro” used unironically, or at all
  • Faux-hawks
  • Headbands
  • Wearing a Headband over your Faux-hawk
  • Sweats
  • Wearing two collared shirts, with one inexplicably used as an undeshirt

While by no means an exhaustive list, I feel like this provides a useful taxonomy. But there is something about the personality of the douche that marks as a member of the tribe. It goes beyond the accouterments of the asshole and pervades the demeanor and the very essence of the man.

But douchebag afficianados should take care. It can be all too easy to fall into the trap of being a douchebag. Nietzsche once said “Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one” and that holds true here. As a Details writer puts it:

“Over time, the word has come to denote “somebody who can’t help but to be an asshole,” says Grant Barrett, a co-host of the radio show “A Way With Words” at KPBS in San Diego and the editor of the Double-Tongued Dictionary website (doubletongued.org). “Somebody who’s blithely in your way, in your face, or in your parking space.” Only thing is, if someone’s in your way, you’re probably in his way. If a douchebag is getting—demanding—something and that’s bothering you,
it’s probably bothering you because you think you are entitled to it.”

link to the whole article (Also via American Scene)

So beware…

Fifteen Things You Will Probably Never Hear Me Say

1.”Is this the laciest doily you have?”

2. “No, I couldn’t possibly have another beer.”

3. “…and then the Holy Spirit came upon me and I started speaking in tongues. It was bitchin’.”

4. “Oh, I’d love to hear all about your kids and how cute their poop is.”

5. “Honey, could we please watch the sporting event? You know how I like to be up on all my favorite players statistics and cheer on the team from my home town, which is vastly superior to all other home towns.”

6. “I don’t really feel like going to the movies. I think I’ll sit here and play Sudoku instead.”

7. “I wonder if the collar of my pink shirt is popped high enough.”

8. “Hey, Baby.”

9. “Why no, I don’t know anything about the origins of that comic book character. I bet you would be completely bored if I laid out the publishing history and narrative continuity of the superhero, so I won’t go into it.”

10. “Do you have any more of those delightfully fruity little cocktails? And could I get a bigger umbrella for my glass?”

11. “Few recording artists will ever attain the mastery of songwriting and technical composition of Nickelback. Plus Chad Kreoger’s voice is really pleasing. I can’t wait until the next album.”

12. “I’m really getting tired of all these lesbians making out all the time.”

13. “I wonder if any DIY/ home improvement shows are on HGTV. I really enjoy watching interior designers work their magic.”

14. “I can’t wait to go see this movie. It’s a prequel to a remake with a young child in a prominent role. It looks like cinematic gold.”

15. “I’m sick and tired of going to school. I’d better buckle down and focus on a serious career because I have a clear and unwavering idea of what I want to do with my life.”

A Corollary to the King of Queens Effect

While Hollywood keeps trying to convince us that we live in some kind of Kevin James-ian Wonderland where Maxim models routinely go out with chubby schlubs and unkempt losers score with improbably hot young women on a regular basis, we know that life in the real world is remarkably different. The cold hard truth is that in the wild the really attractive women tend to seek out the biggest tools in the room and squander their affections on the heavily-gelled assholes who deserve a punch in the face more than the affections of buxom women. Don’t believe me? Then follow the link to see a collection of

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

db60×5-791111.jpg